It's been a while...

Hey guys, how's it going? I know I haven't exactly been updating my blog...but here I am trying to blog again. I had one of the worst days of work tonight and I got really mad. Mad as in....angry mad...not mad mad. But then again, maybe just a li'l mad mad too. To start with this story, I have to first tell you that I have recently been assigned to the entree section, instead of the pastry section. It wasn't really new to me...but still, I haven't really got the hang of being in charge of a bigger section.

So, my boss had been giving me loads of shit ever since I was in charge of the entree section. I have no idea why, but he seems to have a fetish of bullying the entree guy...which is now me...the entree gal. But if you know me well enough, I'm not the type that gets bullied easily. I may be small in size...but I would never let anyone bully or take advantage of me...ever....not even my boss.

So basically what happened was...the previous entree guy showed me how to do this dish..let's call it Dish A. He deep fried the polenta...wrapped it in serrano ham...and garnished it with pickled veges and roasted capsicums. That was how he presented "Dish A". And then when there was an order....I did the exact same thing as he did and my head chef almost blew my head off with his craZY yelling. Well...the funny thing was....the first feeling I felt was "betrayal"....I was like "Why the fuck did this guy showed me the wrong way? Is he trying to sabotage me or something?" And then I explained to my head chef that I was shown this way...so that is why I did it this way. He basically didn't care about my explanation and he accused me of "not giving a fuck about anything". And that is when my anger started to set in. My face turned red..eyes became watery...and hands began to tremble.

I think I did one of the biggest mistakes of my life....I yelled back at my chef. I told him it wasn't my fault...and that "somebody" for which I did not name, showed me the wrong way of presenting Dish A. I yelled back and I threw the first thing I could reach against the wall....and BANG!! No worries...it wasn't a knife...or anything dangerous at all. But it could have easily been. I lost my temper...yet again...for the third time since last week.

Normally after I lose my temper, guilt starts to take over shortly. And that was exactly how I felt. I felt guilty for losing my temper and then I felt depressed. I did not speak a word after that...not to my head chef and not to my colleagues. My head chef tried to engage in a conversation with me...but I totally shut him out with my silent treatment towards him.

After the silent phase was over...which lasted for about 15 minutes...I began to sing...lol!! It's funny how I manage my anger...and my post anger. I began to sing Christian songs and I actually sang it at the top my lungs. Didn't care if I sounded horrible...I just sang my heart out. Even when ppl were trying to talk to me...I ignored them and just sang. I guess that's how I control my anger...what can I say...singing calms me down. And it prevents me from saying things that I would regret saying otherwise. However, my actions still indicated that I was angry...coz I was doing very heavy actions...like banging stuff on the bench...throwing shit at the sink....and making vigorous strokes when wiping off my bench.

Anyway....basically everyone in the kitchen knew that I was angry and nobody dared say a word to me. Not even a close friend of mine....and surprisingly...not even my head chef. I guess I look kinda scary when I'm angry....despite my small sized body. So after I finished cleaning the kitchen, I went straight home, without even saying goodbye to anybody. I just went to my car and drove....I just drove and drove and drove until I ended up at Maroubra Beach. I stopped there and just sat in the car by myself and reflected upon myself and what I did.

Lots of thoughts circled through my mind and I just kept playing back the incident that happened in the kitchen. Like when my boss yelled at me for something that is not entirely my fault...and how I responded to it. I got really emotional...and I don't know why. After lots of thinking...I finally came down to a conclusion. I really care about what my head chef thinks of me. I really care about what he sees of me. And I constantly seek of his approval and attention. This has never happened to me...ever...in my previous jobs. I never really cared what ppl think of me...as long as I do the right thing. But with my current job...I just can't stop being too personal...which leads to my following realization....

I really have no where else to turn to except my work place. Everything in my life is work. Everything in my life has something to do with work. I live with my colleague...one of my closest friends works with me....I talk about work whenever I'm off work....I live 5 minutes away from work....I hang out with ppl at work....finally and most importantly...I've built a family within my work environment. Everyone at my work place is like my family...especially my boss...since he has taught me so much...and I will never ever forget that. He's like a father and teacher to me. That is why I take work so personally sometimes.

Some ppl say it can be a good thing....but I think it tortures me sometimes. Like when I finally realize that everything is actually just a business transaction in the end....I work for them, they pay me. Fair and square. And there's not really such a thing as a family within the work place. Well...I really don't know what to think anymore. Maybe the solution is to find something else to pursue in my life other than work.

Anyway...I think that's enough said for today. Now I'm thinking what face to put on when I go to work tomorrow...lol. Well...good luck to me tomorrow coz I have to work with my head chef side by side since a couple of my colleagues are gonna be off. Alrighty then....have a good night. I'll write again soon.