The Fear

What is Fear? According to the dictionary, "fear" is defined as a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence of imminence and danger. Therefore, I fit into this verbal expression. I'm currently in fear. Of what, you might ask?

Answer: EXAMS!!!

However, after long scrutiny, I found out that Exam is not the main thing that I'm fearful of. It's the consequences of the exam that I'm fearful of. You know how consequences can go both ways. Either good or bad. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of doing something that has an unpredictable consequence. I wouldn't do something unless I have at least 90% confidence that I will be successful in that field.

For example, back in high school, we were all forced to take Art as an SPM subject. Thanks to that muthafuckin' biatch by the name of Wong Mee Kiong aka Mrs Soon!! Whoops sorry..I mean Dr Soon. WTF...until now I still dunno she holds a phD in what??? Maybe phD in mentally abusing high school kids! LoLz!! Anyway, back to the subject, the commerce stream class were forced to take Art as an SPM subject. And if you know me well enough, I draw like an elephant with a pencil. Most of you probably didn't know 'bout this. I had a talk with that bitch in her office. That was in Form 5, and my attitude didn't stink as much as when I was in Form 3 and 4. Back in Form 3 n 4, I would've just barked and yelled at her and demanded for what I want. Just like the accounting subject incident. I was a dog that doesn't bite back then.

But in form 5 when I grew up a li'l, I had a very mental conversation with her. When I say mental, I mean like an intense choose-your-words-carefully kinda convo. She was telling me that I should try and work hard on Art so that I can get good marks. But I told her that Art isn't something that you can just work hard and be good at. It requires talent. It's like music...and crafting...and even cooking. You need talent in Art to Ace in that. And obviously back then, I was aiming for fuckin' straight Aces. And maybe some occassional Bs. But sure as hell, I wasn't aiming for a C or D or just a fuckin' Pass. And I was sure as hell that I wouldn't do good in Art. So I told her that I didn't wanna take that as an SPM subject. We were both stubborne mules...so none of us gave in. But somehow...I was still very calm. I didn't lose my temper like I would've. So I told her that she can enrol me in whatever subjects she wants, but I won't attend the exams for Art. I told her that I would be absent in that subject. And she tried to threaten me and say if I'm absent, I will get a fail for my SPM. But I knew better back then. All I would get in my cert is just an X for absent...just for that subject. And X is not a fail. It just simply means absent.

Do you know the reason for telling this story? No..not because I want you to hate Pauline Soon. Coz I know you guys hate her already. Lolz. This story tells you how FEARFUL I am towards failure. I am so afraid of failure that I would be absent (which is something far worse than failure) for an exam that I'm enrolled in. I don't take failure very well. I remember the first time I failed in something, was when I was in Foundation...I failed math. I got 2 or 3 out of 20. You have no idea how that affected me. I couldn't tell nobody...coz I'm ashamed of my failures. So I kept it inside...and today I'm spilling it out. Not because I want fuckin' symphathy....don't even think of sympathizing me thru your comments...I'll just resent it more.

I keep count of my failures...or at least those that affect me. And according to my count, I have failed so many times that I've hit rock bottom. I'm not gonna name em'....coz obviously I don't want you to know. Lolz. But, all I can say is, another failure in my life means nuthin' to me no more. I've heard one say before, "When you've hit rock bottom in your life, you've got nuthin' to lose no more!" That's actually from "Two and a half men"...the comedy series. Haha...but it makes sense, no?

But I can tell you honestly that I'm so fearful that I would fail my exams for this course. Yesterday, my chef was talking about the exams, and trust me, it's not a walk in the park. It's very very hard. I can say that Uni exams are easier than this. Because with Uni exams, you can study hard..and if you don't, it's your fuckin' fault. But with cooking, you only got one shot. Once you screw up the damn chicken or fish, you won't get another and they fail you immediately. So I'm very very nervous about the exams, although it's 2 weeks away. I just hope that when the day comes, it'll be a good day for me. But if I fail, I'm not gonna be as affected as before like in Foundation when I fail math, because now, I'm totally immuned with that feeling of failure. But I know I won't fail...I've worked hard, God is not that mean to me.

Alright, laptop is running out of batt. Will put up the next post when something interesting comes up. Have a good one. Later....